Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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