he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
