pop tarts are not kleenex
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize