im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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