the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
