i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
