I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
