Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
