Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
