I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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