I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
