Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
