i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
