you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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