i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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