I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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