I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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