Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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