what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
