I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
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