**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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