ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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