wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
