So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
