the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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