i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
