Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
