Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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