I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
