so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
