You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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