I am in a vortex of obligation.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize