he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
