shes about as inviting as chlamydia
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Are we still banned from the library?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
