its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
