I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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