Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize