My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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