Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
