I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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