The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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