you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
