I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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