I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
