Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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