I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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