Duck Duck Cougar?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
