Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
