You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
