stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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