There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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