Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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