I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
