The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
