Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
