you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize