i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
