We're facebook friends in real life
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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