How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Im part way to drunk.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
